Monday, June 30, 2014

Park Bom's Drug Smuggling Operation Busted

Everyone knew YG was full of druggies, from Psy to GD to everyone in between

No one really had any definitive proof that the YG Family was neck deep in it of course. Psy's bust was way back when in 2001, and GD didn't really mean to smoke the weed that was in the cigarette that the dirty Japanese ape forced him to take in the bathroom. Until now.

2NE1's very own Park Bom was caught trying to smuggle amphetamines into the totally healthy, drug-free nation of South Korea.

SHE IS THE ONE WHO KNOCKED

J-Min - After



So for all three of us here at AKF that watched Miss Korea (Fany, Soyeon Friend and myself), we have already heard this song months ago.

Saturday, June 28, 2014

Dear Avex, You Can Suck My Balls


I just went and tried to watch BoA's Masayume Chasing because I fucking love the song. The MV has been out for about two weeks now and Avex decided to be a bunch of UCHOs and remove the MV. WHY UPLOAD THE FUCKER IN THE FIRST PLACE?

KPOPALYPSE's top 30 songs of K-pop's first golden age (2008-2011)

It's halfway through 2014 when writing this post and I already can't count the amount of people who have asked me to throw down my opinions on my favourite songs of 2014.  However, I deliberately make a point of not doing lists like that in advance in order to give every song a chance to be included, so you're just gonna have to wait.  In 2013 I even mercilessly mocked people who released "best of the year" lists many months before the year was over, so damned if I'm going down that route myself.  While you're waiting, to keep you happy/shut you up how about a similar post with a list of my favourite k-pop songs from the past few years before I started blogging?

eunhurrt

Note before you read ahead that this post contains 30 YouTube videos and might take a while to load on slow computers or on your crappy iWhatsit or whatever you kids use these days.

Sulli's Image Teaser


Sulli is going with the "Choiza jizzed in my eye and now I have to wear an eye patch" theme.

Friday, June 27, 2014

Jeon Hye Bin - 2AM



This is what Kpop was before netizens had to netizen and slut shame female artists to hell.

Thursday, June 26, 2014

SM prepares another bait n' switch with f(x) teaser images

At first it may appear that the new f(x) album Red Light District is going to have an interesting and edgy crackwhore concept that makes Troublemaker's "Now" look like amateur hour...



...but then we remember this is SM and they always try to be all avant-garde and shit in teasers only to give us more typical dance-in-a-box kpop that would make even Disney yawn.

Hyomin Editing Contest


Go.

Stupid Things Fangirls Utter 60

This week's photo comes from our very own Krakenoid:




Thank you for your submission!

~*~*~

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Choiza likes to fap to a stock photo of Sulli


A netizen supposedly "found" Choiza's wallet, and being an upstanding citizen of Worst Korea, they promptly decided to take a photo of the wallet's content and post it on the internet. The wallet contains a small shrine dedicated to Choiza's long-rumoured girlfriend, Sulli, with two of the stickers being of, what appears to be, Choiza and Sulli being kawaii together.

Kpopalypse Defence League - Anti Troll Squadron

Recently I made a post about how to deal with k-pop haters.  In this post I focused on the most intelligent arguments that I could find against k-pop and took their arguments apart piece by piece, thereby (hopefully) demonstrating that it's quite okay to like whatever music you like and other people can basically go and suck a fat dick if they have a problem with it.



However, it seems that this wasn't exactly the kind of help that many of you readers needed.  Quite a few regular blog followers responded with the observation that not every argument against k-pop is intellectual, and that instead of knowing what to say to the smart guys, you wanted to know what to say to the basic trolls with absolutely fuckin' stupid arguments that make no goddamn sense at all.  Never fear, Kpopalypse is here to help once again!

New Lee Na Young CFs for Lancome



Man, it sucks stanning Lee Na Young. Sure, she's extremely gorgeous and all, but she has the same amount of determination that Hwayoung has, seeing as she hasn't done anything but CFs in the past two years.

Saturday, June 21, 2014

Friday, June 20, 2014

AKF Will be at KCON 2014

Hello folks!

I am pleased to announce that AKF has been invited to attend KCON 2014 in LA!


WE MADE IT, HATERS. SUCK DEEZ NUTZ

Kpopalypse endorsement test: "Are Korean actresses on another level to K-pop idols?"

Welcome to Kpopalypse Endorsement Test, a new series where Kpopalypse uses product endorsements to answer the big questions affecting k-pop fans!  In today's episode we tackle the following question:

Are Korean actresses 'on another level' to K-pop idols?

kpobul

Hani Makes The World Cup Bearable


The World Cup is upon us, and seeing as soccer is one of the most boring sports ever with absolutely no scoring, I have zero fucks to give to the sport. However, the World Cup gave EXID an excuse to come out from hiding and cheer for the Worst Korean team (Best Korea is too good to ever qualify, and it would be unfair if they won every title.)

Jang Bum Joon (Busker Busker) To Make A Solo Comeback



Ugh. Why write an incredibly long article about how this is worse than Toda Erika cutting my penis off when the above video from The Office does the job adequately in portraying how much I don't want this dude to make any more music.

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

[MV Review] AOA "Short Hair"

Having been disappointed by AOA's past two releases, I wasn't too excited for the group's latest comeback. This was especially true after I saw their silhouette teaser, which appeared to follow in the footsteps of "Confused" and "Miniskirt" with more ass, less good music.

But dammit, I'm nothing if not an optimist, so I put my best face forward and pressed play.




DEFCON 5 -- TAEYEON X BAEKHYUN -- REPORT TO BATTLESTATIONS

SHIT HITTING FAN

ALL CONTRIBUTORS FREELY UPDATE THIS ARTICLE WITH NEWS AND MELTDOWNS

Simon D apologizes for banging Sunny and not telling you

Well it would seem Simon D apologized for "making sexual remarks and speaking informally" to Sunny, and that k-netz are just thinking he's a typical insolent hip-hop boy and their precious Sunny is a pure angel. I guess they haven't been paying attention, because Simon D has been playing the idol game for years now and he knows perfectly damn well how to behave, especially refining the art of escaping since E-sens got busted for weed. No, there is only one reason Simon D would be speaking so comfortably with Sunny, and that is because he's in the habit of dirty talk before banging her, which he probably did after the radio show. Actually, it may be more correct to say she's banging him, just as he is the guest on her show. She's a rather commanding type.

I'll make things more clear after the break.

BoA - Masayume Chasing



After a wait of over two months, we finally get a PV for Masayume Chasing!

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

South Korea Draws with Russia 1-1

ANTI KPOP-FANGIRL IS YOUR ONE STOP FOR UP-TO-DATE WORLD CUP COVERAGE.
The man of the hour, Lee Keun Ho
The South Koreans manage to draw with the Russians in a 1-1 game full of gaffes and hilarity.


I Take Back What I Said About Yooyoung


In my 2013 Bias List Wreckers article, I stated that I started to like Yooyoung only because she chopped off her hair. I thought she looked terrible with long hair back in 2012.

Monday, June 16, 2014

Using K-pop in Real Life: Breakup Edition

We've all seen it on the nets before, the little testimonials from fangirls who feel blessed because they have apparently learned the Korean language from watching dramas and translating K-pop lyrics. It seems like a plausible theory because you pick up some snazzy basic pronouns, verbs, and adjectives, but in reality you're not going to get very far because Korean is a conjugated language and you're not going to pick up exactly what to say where from listening to Oppar whine on about losing the supposed love of his life and also because no one talks like that in real life. To prove my point (and for shits and giggles), let's take some phrases from K-pop songs and apply them to real life situations to see what happens!*

MNet is blurring out Kris' Face

You won't BELIEVE who it is!
On a recent episode of MNet's Exo File fans were quick to notice in one segment that Kris' face was blurred out. No doubt to shield citizens from that hideous visage and totally not because of recent legal troubles and because since his legal contract with SM blah blah blah. This isn't the first time something like this has happened, during Daniel of Dalmatian's drug scandal he was also shown blurred out in TV segments.

Moments later.

A lot of fans are taking it personally however. I can't blame them, MNet/the rest of the world is out to get them.

I Can Finally Stan Soyeon Publicly Again


I have been waiting for this day for two years.

Sunday, June 15, 2014

Five word k-pop song reviews!

It's well-documented (by me) that I'm not much of a fan of writing song reviews.  However, song reviews are also something that readers really like, and I always get bombarded with lots of requests to do them, so I try to do my best to cater to popular demand.

eunsongr

The last time I decided to review songs I wrote a Haiku review post, and looking back on it now, a thought occurred to me: Haiku is way too long.  Who's got time to read all those syllables just to find out what someone thinks?  Certainly not the average k-pop listener - isn't our short attention span and need for instant gratification part of the reason why we like k-pop in the first place?

Therefore, to satisfy the thirst for endless song reviews in the most appropriate manner possible, I asked for submissions via my ask.fm for songs that readers wanted me to review and got a bunch of responses, and now I'm going to review each one... in only five words!  You'll be hard-pressed to find any k-pop song reviews on the Internet more thoughtless and tossed-off than these!  Enjoy (or bitch, your choice)!

la la larks - ego-izm



In 2012 I discovered the Japanese band school food punishment. What sucked is that school food punishment disbanded earlier that year. I really liked their music, but the lead vocalist left the group, so the whole band disbanded. After two years, the lead vocalist has a new band called la la larks. This is the first single and I could only find the 1:30 version used for an anime. The single came out about 10 days ago, but you know Japan and their 1990s Internet laws. I searched for a few minutes and couldn't even find it on a Chinese site. la la larks has a similar sound to school food punishment, so I am really looking forward to this band's future.

Saturday, June 14, 2014

An Introduction to Vocal Faggotry, Part 2: The Technique

Yes, this is Younha showing off her cleavage, and yes this picture is relevant to the article.
Welcome to part two of the introduction to vocal pedagogy, in this part I will teach you about the science that is behind the voice. Hopefully, you'll be able to come away from this article with knowledge on strain, resonance, pitch, support etc.

In a nutshell, vocal pedagogy (vocal technique) is the study of the science in the field of singing. Since vocal technique is directly related to science, it is a good way to use it to judge a vocalist or a performance accurately and objectively. Vocal pedagogy consists of the following:

  • Physiology of singing
  • Breathing in singing
  • Posture
  • Phonation
  • Intonation
  • Resonace
  • Tone production
  • Vibrato
  • Vocal articulations
  • Vocal diction
  • Vocal registrations
  • Vocal health
  • Vocal styles
  • Voice classifications
  • Coloratura
This shall be explained after the jump, like the previous post, this is also very text heavy so I've tried to break it up with nice images.

Chinese UCAAD Pretends Seohyun is His Wife while Begging for Money


Dude is a genius in one sense, but he shouldn't have used Seohyun as his dead wife.

Friday, June 13, 2014

Hyomin Nice Body Teaser #2


Kim Kwang Soo enlisted my help on how to really sell the fact that Hyomin has a nice body.

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

The official and completely scientific Kpopalypse colour blindness test

I'm colour blind.  Apparently, this is a completely fucking fascinating subject to absolutely everyone, judging by the amount of questions that I get asked about it when people find out.  To cater to this incredible fascination, this post will include some awesome colour blindness facts (so if I get any more annoying questions about it I can just link people to here instead of answering them directly over and over) and also a test so you can test your own colour blindness - with k-pop, of course!

eunfyf

Sunday, June 8, 2014

Snoop Dogg - HANGOVER feat. PSY



I know we got a lot of MVs up in a short time but it's the post-Sewol effect. Enjoy.

I personally think it's nice enough but it ain't my jam. Dayum @ those gold tights tho. You are welcooooome~

bonus points to the person who gets that quote

[MV Review] Jiyeon - Never Ever (1 Min 1 Sec)



The Cyclops Overlord has graced all of the members in the Cult of Cyclops with a fantastic song and MV.

Saturday, June 7, 2014

Wa$$up shows their sexy determination



Wa$$up noticed that sexy girls are getting censored all across sexist patriarchal South Korea, so they took their sexiness into their own hands and pandered to a country that would appreciate it. Cheers to Wa$$up. You girls are confident and cool.

The ultimate K-POP ASSES - 13 weapons of ass destruction!

Here it is, the one you've been waiting for - the ass post!

Because I'm not really an ass kind of guy, I left the selection of asses up to you - this list does not reflect my personal preferences but what you, the reader, enjoy the most.  I constructed this post in three stages using the following process:
  1. I collected ass suggestions from ask.fm and also from this Anti Kpop-Fangirl post.
  2. I put up a survey using your suggestions (plus a few more) so you can rate the suggested ass.
  3. I collated the data into the post that you're now reading.
If your fave isn't in these lists - it's probably your own fault.  You should have nominated them when you had the chance, so it's a little late to complain now.  Let's be honest though - they probably wouldn't have held their own against the winners anyway.  Drop your browser down low like a twerker and check out the results below.

sojigun

WARNING: GIF-heavy post.  I've used GIFs rather than still images as GIFs are less likely to be shopped, so we're more likely to be evaluating the true assets in question.  Those with slow computers or Internet might need to click to load the page and then go make a cup of coffee or something while it loads.

[MV Review] Hyosung - Goodnight Kiss (To My Boner)



Fashionably late as usual, here's the Hyosung "review".

Thursday, June 5, 2014

Stupid Things Fangirls Utter 57

This week's photo comes from Ahjusshi in Red & Andrew (yes, TWO people sent it. That is how good it is. In fact, Andrew is the author!):


Thank you for your submission!

~*~*~

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Hani is so bored she'll take any gig she can get

You may or may not have noticed that Hani hasn't had shit to do since Dasoni wrapped up promotions for the apparently aptly-named "Goodbye" 16 fucking months ago, which was really a somewhat small subgroup promotion more recent than the last EXID promotions, which were 4 months before that. Every now and then EXID have performed at a college campus or music festival here and there, but for the most part it seems the members have been individually trying to scrape their way onto as many radio and variety shows they can while their agency just hangs around the practice room fapping to them.

Seeing how hard it has been for them, it is not merely a sad sign for the state of EXID, but actually an inspiring sign of Hani's determination and refusal to let her career be buried that she agreed to feature in this song and MV. It seems that they didn't have money for anything but a graphic artist, so they asked her to show up to a random bridge somewhere and she pulled out her old Dasoni dresses out of her own closet, but damnit, she's getting herself out there.

So cheers to Hani, and we will help her get some more exposure.

Male Eye Candy

I've seen a fat monster mentioned more than he should be on this site and it's messing up my ideals. Get your tissues ready you male lovers.
Before we start, a picture of your lover. Remember not to fap too hard.