Thursday, July 31, 2014

Sulli goes to the beach, sees Red Velvet surfing in on a wave of salty tears

So recently some netizens with no lives decided to go into bitter detective mode and deduce that Sulli enjoyed a nice time at the beach with her boyfriend. And there are some details after the jump.

Minah Joins WAG Elite

Girl's Day's Minah has finally gotten a man, after years of lusting and dealing with pent-up sexual frustration!!


She's now dating South Korean footballer Son Heung Min, one of the few decent players from the South Korean National team that came home from the World Cup in virtual disgrace ("eat taffy/toffee" is an insult in Korean btw). While I for one am happy for Minah, seeing as how this is her big break at finally being able to quench the massive thirst she has been harboring for years, netizens were unamused.

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Four Ladies' Second Teaser



We still don't have to write shit!

Popu Lady >>>>>>> All Kpop Girl Groups (Minus Four Ladies)



While Four Ladies teased a lesbian concept, we didn't see much aside from ass grabbing. On the other hand, the Popu Lady members actually kiss each other on screen. We don't know if Four Ladies will troll us, but Popu Lady sure didn't!

I didn't think I could like this group any more than I already did.

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Hyuna's 2-step plan to destroy the innocence of Korea



2-step like the music genre? No! I'm not that clever! But Hyuna is very clever... or not! Details after the jump.

Sunday, July 27, 2014

Victoria Deemed Goddess of Asia


This comes as no surprise, as Victoria was deemed Goddess of Asia in a poll. Victoria just allowed it to be a "competition" for the self-esteem of the others even though they had no chance whatsoever.

Saturday, July 26, 2014

Kpopalypse fashion class - horizontal black and white stripes

Never one to shy away from the important issues surrounding k-pop, it's time for Kpopalypse to cover an often-misunderstood and misrepresented topic of great importance - the effect of horizontal black and white stripes on boob perception.  Welcome to Kpopalypse fashion class!

stripeseunjung1

If you're anything like me, you'll be very sick and tired of the superfluous fashion articles that appear in k-pop media.  You've all seen them - some lazily tossed-off article about "oooh, look what [insert idol here] wore today, wow, isn't she so classy!".  If these worthless articles are not just paid for by the record company to help boost the idol's profile, they're churned out by the media outlet simply because nothing interesting was happening that week and someone had an article quota to meet - but they're functionally fairly useless.  If you're into k-pop fashion (or perving at k-pop fashion), surely you want some information that you can actually use.  Don't worry, Kpopalypse has got you covered!

Seungyeon Buys An Expensive House


Hammie is ballin' and after making it rain, bought a new house.

Friday, July 25, 2014

Netizens Have Forced Sulli Into Hiatus


You can here and here for the details of the situation.

This kind of behavior from netizens is why sites like AKF will continue to exist. Sadly, Korean netizens have too much leverage in the Kpop industry and that leverage needs to completely fade away into obsolescence. 

Bianca Bai



Today we at AKF are publishing "research" so that society can advance one fap at a time.

You are now a fan of Fiestar's Jei

I'm working on a longer fap post. Expect it fondly.

In the meantime, enjoy this brief AKF-style intermission while I do my "research".

You're welcome.

Thursday, July 24, 2014

Book review: Kpop Now - The Korean Music Revolution

In my eternal quest to shut up those people asking me to review shit all the time, here's a review... of a book.  Unlike song reviews, I figure that a book review might actually be vaguely useful to some of you.  Sure, reviewing the latest written-while-taking-a-shit song from SM or YG might be good for web traffic and ego-stroking but what's the point of me throwing down my worthless, annoying opinion on a song when you can just go to YouTube, listen to it yourself and make up your own mind?  On the other hand, books are less of a try-before-you-buy proposition so you might actually want to know a bit about what's in these fucks before you buy them, so in my mission to get k-pop fans to occasionally put down their iMaxipads and read a fucking book (those things with the pages, you've seen them, right?) I now bring to you this review.  Please enjoy it.  Or not.

eunbook2

Kim Hyun Joong opens up about his towel habits in his pre-release track

Can't you tell that he's apologetic?

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Since Sulli is pregnant I will now only be referred to as...



Sojin_fag


Please refrain from calling me sulli_fag from now on. I don't want to be associated with that loose vaginaed heathen. How dare she let that man touch her dirty pillows and lube up that Pink Tape and squirt in her Chocolate Love.

I am pissed the pho-k off.

CHOIZA  is just going to leave her for some slut working the Denny's at 3:30am at night or maybe even go ALL OUT GAY. How dare she open her legs like that for that bastard...that bitch let him enter her Red Light with his Pinnochio.  The illuminati (which owns SM) will likely   discontinue F(X) because of her pregnancy.

Enjoy this pic of Sojin because I hate Sulli.

Fuck you Sulli you homewrecker...go Electric Shock a Cock...oh wait...you did already! Whore.

I'd rather suck Amber's dick now.






Dahye's Ass


Dahye, the member who puts the "BEST" in BESTie.

SM Rookies Seulgi and Irene shoved into a subunit, send a shoutout to their surgeon


This could possibly be the cheapest K-pop video ever made.

Monday, July 21, 2014

Half A Year in Review - The SM Entertainment Edition

Inspired by this amazing gifset by Tumblr user Seuyeon, I have decided; What better way to return to writing then to write my sole opinions on the almost perfectly-monthly comebacks of SM's groups? So I decided to do just that.

Han Ye Seul's New Caffe Bene CF



#foreverenviousofteddy

Sunday, July 20, 2014

AOA is Quickly Becoming the Best Girl Group



Taeyeon GGG=666

The bible states (in Revelations) that one day an AntiChrist will rise and fool the world into thinking he is Jesus on Earth forcing many to take the Mark of the Beast to buy and sell...even at Walmart. Many feel it is a male figure but they are quite wrong because I am the person who has finally found THE DESOLATE ONE....THE MASTER OF ABORTIONS...LUCIFER'S CHILD AND IT IS...


Breaking News: Sulli Pregnant

It's no news that Sulli's been getting that good D but when she has been MIA from f(x) promotions, some suspect that it might more than a simple cold.

We at AKF have the real scoop. More after the cut.

The 7 stages of k-pop fangirl grief

I spend a lot of time debunking the bullshit surrounding k-pop and helping people to see the reality behind the curtain of fairy floss, but what I haven't ever really done is helped anyone deal with the emotional fallout from having those rose-coloured glasses taken off.  I also don't want to be blamed for a spate of fangirl suicides so I feel that it's time that I stepped up to the plate with some assistance.  Help for you deludus is here, Kpopalypse style!

disclai

Saturday, July 19, 2014

Orange Caramel to Make Their 17th Comeback This Year


Fun fact: I haven't listened to an OC song since I almost committed suicide after listening to "Aing." However, I need every OC fan out there to support OC and buy their new single/mini album/whatever the fuck it will be.

Hyuna Wants to Take it up the Butt for Her Comeback


WHAT A WHORE! SHE'S SPREADING HER ASS CHEEKS FOR HER MALE FANS! SEE FELLOW FANGIRLS, WE FINALLY HAVE DEFINITIVE PROOF THAT HYUNA IS A SKANK AND TAKES IT UP THE POOP SHOOT DAILY!

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

BESTie celebrates first anniversary



My favorite rookie group of 2013 is already a year old. I can't believe it's been a whole year since they shook their asses into our hearts.

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Sport and k-pop should not mix

Sport.  I'm against it generally, and I'm even more against it in k-pop.  This post is about why sport and k-pop need to remain separate, and I've made it because it's one of those things that people are always asking me about.  Usually I just say "I'm a musician - sport is against my religion" when people ask but since you blog readers are so lovely I feel like I owe you a little more detail and entertainment than that.  Also I'm not seeing anyone else blogging about this shit and it's a Kpopalypse specialty to brazenly wander into topics that other bloggers won't touch with a ten foot T-ara lightstick for fear of being cyber-stoned to death by the Internet hordes.

tarasport

WARNING: this post may contain Australian cultural trufax, including gratuitous references to Drop Bears.

Monday, July 14, 2014

[MV Review] Taeyang - Eyes, Nose, Lips



This song is so boring that it has been extremely hard for me to review ever since it came out. Every single person involved in this song and music video didn't even try, so I shouldn't either.

Sunday, July 13, 2014

Sojin-Makes me feel like a man!

I'd do anything to take her virginity away.


AOA's Mina



I never really paid much attention to AOA despite talking to a lot of people that like the group. Well, after finding out that Mina was used in porn ads, I thought she looked cute and went to tumblr and YouTube for "research."

Saturday, July 12, 2014

Just a friendly reminder that...

Suzy is a fat whore

Kpopalypse and AKF's Red Light Mission - Part 1



Hey everyone, great news! As two of the only authors on AKF that love f(x)'s Red Light and two of the only authors that write fanfics on here, we had the bright idea of teaming up to write a fanfic together. We're still working on this on the side as we both focus on the articles we normally do, but we'll try to post a new part once every two weeks or so. We already have a basic outline of how things are going to transpire, but even we don't know the details of what we're going to write. Essentially, Kpopalypse writes some of it, then I write some of it. We feed off each other, so don't be surprised in later chapters if the fanfic becomes disturbing...wait, that's the reason you guys continue to visit the site in the first place.

For continuity, this version of AKF is based off the character AKF from the Fanfic Fridays: AKF Bangs Every Member In Popu Lady and Thus Spake Jiyeonthustra fanfics I wrote in April. The Kpopalypse character is also a fictionalized version of himself.


Friday, July 11, 2014

Stage presence - what it is, what it isn't, and why your bias doesn't have any

I dropped a comment a while back stating that CL was the only female k-pop idol who displayed anything resembling stage presence.  This horrified nearly everyone - fans of 2NE1 were concerned that this praise for CL was uncharacteristic of my normal online behaviour and perhaps indicative of massive hard drug use or mental breakdown, whereas everyone else was like "b-b-b-but, what about MY bias?  I think they're great!  Doesn't [insert bias here] have stage presence?"


Oh the wailing and gnashing of teeth when you tell a k-pop fan that their bias doesn't have stage presence.... but they really don't.  This post will explain why they don't have it, and also why you shouldn't care.

Thursday, July 10, 2014

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

[Review] Hyomin - Nice Body



Hyomin released many teasers for Nice Body and luckily that was all she did. She simply wanted to remind all of us of Jiyeon's Nice Body, which the Cyclops Overlord displays in her live performances. Hyomin is so nice for drawing extra attention to Jiyeon's excellent 1 Minute 1 Second.

Monday, July 7, 2014

Yuan Ai Fei



While taking a break from studying Mandarin, I found this video. Yuan Ai Fei is now a new favorite Taiwanese actress of mine...for superficial reasons...Okay, every Asian actress I like is for superficial reasons...

Girl's Day Tries to Distract You from f(x)'s Red Light Album


I love Girl's Day, but I honestly have no fucks to give to them this comeback. The Red Light album is my fucking jam right now and not even an MV featuring Sojin and Minah making out would stop me from giving all of my attention to f(x).

Thursday, July 3, 2014

[Review] f(x)'s "Red Light"


I have never, ever been more mortified by a song since SNSD released that tragic rhapsody entitled "I Got a Personality Disorder Boy", but f(x) have taken the cake when it comes to "Red Light". Listening to "Red Light" is like having a high powered, electric drill in my ear whilst listening to a castrated goat attempting to Yodle with a side of Princess Peach being bludgeoned to death by Luigi Mario. It took me a whole a hour to  gather my scrambled brains together after putting myself through the voluntary torture of listening to this song so I could bring you all this review and heed warning as to what you might encounter if you do press "play" on the above video.

I am here to lead you not into temptation, but deliver you from evil.

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

f(x)'s "Red Light" highlight medley


THE SECOND CUMMING OF JESUS IS UPON US! THE F(HEX) ARE COMING, WITH A MESSIANIC MISSION TO SLAY THE CHARTS AND OUR SOULS WITH "RED LIGHT".


This shit better be as good as "Pink Tape", otherwise a lot of people are going to end up on my hit list for terrorist attacks.

How drug-fucked is your bias? Drugs, the music business and k-pop

So, an article just came out about 2NE1's Bom mailing drugs, and it reminded me that I'd been planning a post for a while now about drugs and the music business.  I'm not really that interested in commenting on the Bom situation specifically (after all it's already been done here, here, and of course here and probably countless other places by the time you read this, and plus I don't really give a shit about it anyway, if she's getting fucked up on some good shit good luck to her) but I thought instead k-pop fans might appreciate a general demystification around drugs, the music business, and how likely it is that their bias is about to sell their bodies for a shot of heroin or take bath salts and eat their manager's face off.

eunfiung

[MV Review] Fiestar - One More



Review after the jump.

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Youngji Becomes the New Kara Member



Most people are whining about a new member being in Kara or that their favorite applicant didn't make it. I didn't pay attention to Kara Project at all because as long as Sweettune produces for Kara, I really didn't give a shit who the new member was. I found this video a few minutes ago and thought "I'd pee in her butt." And honestly, for a group like Kara, as long as you want to pee in every member's butt, that's all that's really needed aside from some awesome Sweettune songs.

Hani for Men's Health Magazine



Men's Health realized that every male needs some Vitamin Hani in their lives to improve their health. To improve Hani's health, I want to stick my Vitamin D in her Vitamin A-hole.